“Do You Know Where Your Children Are….Online?” Why parents need to create social media accounts and friend their children.

Cyber Bullying (Photo credit: Enzo Morelos)

 

 

Given the recent media stories about students enduring ongoing mean comments via social media, we as parents need to understand the social media applications being used by our children and go online to see firsthand how our kids and their friends interact in these spaces.

 

As a teacher, coach, and administrator of middle and high school students in both public and private schools for over twenty years, I have seen the evolution of social media’s importance in the lives of our kids. I understand its appeal because peer relationships during these formative years trump most all other connections, and social media has the potential to bring kids together in positive ways.  I have also seen firsthand the negative impact social media can have on our children. I have talked with kids who have been targets of vulgar comments multiplied significantly by social media’s power to project a single comment to hundreds of people instantly. I have watched students stay home from school or consider changing schools because of the endless barrage of mean, public comments they received from kids using social media. These incidents are not isolated to a single school community and occur more often than students and parents might expect. For example, “69% of social media-using teens think that peers are mostly kind to each other on social networking sites; however, 88% of teens have seen someone be mean or cruel to another person on a social networking site.” (Pew Research Center, FOSI, Cable in the Classroom, 2011)

 

If we took these negative behaviors out of the virtual space and saw them taking place at Starbucks, we would intervene.  We would not allow our sons or daughters to curse at another child, to make racial or sexual jokes, or to say mean, hurtful words.  It is likely that any adult standing nearby hearing these comments would ask the kids to stop using foul language and acting unkindly.  Why?  Because the comments and targeted slurs violate our understanding of common decency and contradict social norms for how people should treat others. It’s just wrong, our children know it, and as adults we need to correct the behavior when it happens.

 

All school administrators and teachers talk to students about behaving online in the same courteous, respectful way we expect them to behave during the school day.  Yet, Kids will make mistakes.  They make decisions in the moment that contradict what they know is right.  So, what to do? As parents, we may know about Facebook, but we have not created our own account.  Or, if we have, we stay away from our children’s accounts, so they can have “their space.”  Many parents simply are not aware of the social media kids are using – what’s Instagram, Ask FM, SnapChat, Vine?!  As parents, we feel overwhelmed by this changing landscape, and rather than face it, we explain our lack of involvement by saying “I can’t keep up with all of that social media,” or “The kids pick it up easily; it’s how they communicate.” We do need to change our thinking, and it’s time we learn about the online social worlds in which our kids participate.

 

We should know how our kids behave online.  Only “7% of U.S. parents are worried about cyberbullying, even though 33% of teenagers have been victims of cyberbullying” (PEW Internet and American Life Survey, 2011). Given such statistics, we should take responsibility for checking our children’s online behavior just as we do their behavior offline.  We should familiarize ourselves with the latest social media applications by opening accounts and observing the interactions taking place. We should tell our kids we plan to learn more about these applications, let them know once our account is established, and ask them to “friend” us or add us to their groups.  Imagine the look of surprise, shock, dismay, and disbelief on their faces! Imagine the dinner conversation! Why not?  We can no longer say we do not have time, we can no longer assume that everything is fine, and we can no longer afford to rationalize our lack of knowledge.  We need to educate ourselves and explore these spaces.

 

So, where to begin? Here is a starter list of applications to explore.

 

• AskFM
• Instagram
• Twitter
• Facebook
• Vine
• SnapChat

 

Google each application, open an account, read postings, and find your kids online.  Ask your kids to show you how to use them.  Require your kids to “friend” you on Facebook, which is similar to meeting the friends they spend time with offline.   The online experience for students can be rewarding and build community. In fact, “65% of social media-using teens have had an experience on a social networking site that made them feel good about themselves” (Pew Research Center, FOSI, Cable in the Classroom, 2011).  However, the potential for behaving badly is present, and the consequences can be long lasting.

 

What’s at stake?  At best, we create the opportunity to confirm our children’s good behavior, and at worst we find opportunity to teach lessons about, courtesy, compassion, empathy, and judgment.  Unfortunately, often parents do not know their child’s online presence until I have to call home to share a screenshot revealing a recent indiscretion.  Kids make mistakes, but they make fewer of them when we are aware of their behavior and able to teach them lessons along the way.  It’s time we take a stroll online.

 

Related articles

 

• Most Parents Unaware of How Kids’ Use Social Media (medindia.net)
• Social Media + Internet – The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (iglamlife.com)
• Youths on social media? parents need tough love. (hamptonroads.com)

 

What we can learn from So You Think You Can Dance?

 How many of you watch the show, So You Think You Can Dance?  Well, I have a confession to make – me too.  It wasn’t always like this.  While my wife and daughter watched the show, I would just glance at it as I passed through the family room on my way to the ice-cream in the freezer.  Then, one summer night last year, they told me “I just had to see one of the dancers because he was amazing.”  So, I sat down to watch this one dancer – and have not missed a show since.  For those of you not familiar with the show, it is essentially a dance contest, and dancers of every genre and level of training audition in regional contests across the country for the opportunity to advance to the finals by the end of the season. Eventually, the top 20 dancers (10 men and 10 women) are identified and paired with each other to learn and perform new dances each week.  Based on judge and audience / viewer voting, one girl and one boy leave the show each week until a final “best dancer” for the men and the women is identified.  It’s like Survivor without the island and bad food.

What gets to me about this show – what moves me to the point of being choked up – is after each dance, the judges critique the dancer’s performance.  The dancers come to the front of the stage, and each judge honestly, compassionately, genuinely comments on the dancer’s performance.  Sometimes the honesty seems brutal – but it is always intended to make the dancers better.

Some of the dancers are professionally trained and have worked for years while others are street dancers without any formal training.  Whether trained or not, all dancers reach a point of adversity; they hit a wall that’s higher than they have encountered. And I realize this point is what draws me to this show. These dancers put everything on the line; they take huge risks; and even facing honest critique, they keep trying until they are told they have to leave the show.  And, they face the disappointment with grace.  They don’t blame the judges, they don’t blame the conditions, they don’t blame their lack of training – they just dance, learn, and keep on trying.  And at home in our living room, we root for all of them because they are trying their best in pursuit of something they love

So, what’s this have to do with me?  With us? With school?  I don’t dance…I struggle to walk down the hall carrying my laptop and Starbucks coffee.  But for me, it’s this:

• Take risks – believe in yourself – don’t be afraid to try.

• Learn from honest feedback. Don’t blame falling short of your goal on the conditions.  Just do your best, hear the constructive feedback, and try, try again.

• And finally, Support and encourage each other.  We do this in many small and big ways each day.  Tell each other good luck. Don’t deal in rumors.   Seek to understand each other.  Don’t let anyone sit alone at lunch.  Simple acts that show we care for each other.

So, as you begin the school year, dance to the music you hear, find joy in the things you do, and when the judges give you feedback, listen, learn, and keep on dancing!

Office supplies, new school year, and unlimited possibilities….

The things we carry. (Photo credit: Rainbowhill LL)

The other day my daughter skipped into the house holding bags from the nearby office supply store.  By the sounds of singing and the rustling of bags, I could tell she was excited about the project she was about to begin.  I got up from reading the paper and found my daughter stacking binders, pens, notecards, folders, highlighters, and notebooks in coordinating colors onto our dining room table.  I felt as if I walked in on Captain Hook dumping bounty taken from some poor merchant ship. My daughter’s exuberance was palpable: school supplies and the start of a new year!

Now, granted, she is entering Middle School, which is exciting and explains some of her reaction.  But when I asked to see her supplies, she proudly grouped together the matching folders and notebooks with their proper binders; she stacked pens, pencils, and highlighters; and she set aside the ream of loose-leaf paper and neatly packed notecards.  She told me the paper was for taking notes and writing stories, the notecards were for her projects, the highlighters were for history class, and the mechanical pencils would be great for math and writing rough drafts in English.  She was excited about the supplies but also for what they represented: a new start and endless possibilities.

Imagine.

 

Defining Success…

I remember sitting in my office across from a student in tears because she received her first B’s on  a report card. To be correct, she received three B+ grades and two A’s.  When I asked her why she was so upset, she told me she had always earned A’s, she had high aspirations for college, and she worked hard.  I acknowledged that all those things were true and that aspiration and hard work are good qualities.

I then asked her if she would be as upset if the grades were A-’s?  She said, “No. They would be A’s.”  I then told her that an A- and a B+ were only separated by 3% at most and that we should give ourselves at least a 10% margin of error in our daily lives before we are thrown into such despair.  I added that I have days when a 20% margin of error is needed!  We both laughed, and she dried her tears, grabbed her backpack, and headed to her next class.

I think about this student often.  And, I think about her parents, her teachers, our school, her friends, and her society – all potential influences that might cause her to hinge success on only a 3% margin and to be devastated when she falls short of her idea for success.  How does this happen?

While I can not name specific reasons why students feel high anxiety when they do not meet such high standards, I do see how this narrow margin for success impacts the way students approach school.

Defining success by such narrow margins….

• Causes students to fear taking risks and prevents them from trying new things.
• Causes students to validate their self-worth by outcome only.  If not an A then I’m not smart enough; if not college admission to a certain school, then I’m not good enough; if not a date to homecoming, then I’m not pretty or popular enough.
• Paralyzes students when there is a change to routine or plans.
• Minimizes the essential traits parents define as most important: integrity, perseverance, compassion, character.

Ironically, the skills and habits our students need to be successful after college will include creativity, innovation, perseverance, risk, and a steadfast belief in themselves and their ability to figure out complex problems.  Our students will work in careers that have yet to be invented, and they will need to be as comfortable with change as they are with routine.

How do we foster these ideals in our students and daughters?  I don’t have the answer, but I think we begin by having a discussion about how we define success and by placing emphasis on striving and delayed gratification as well as achieving.  And, when tears flow when the grade falls below her expectations, listen, encourage, sit for a minute, and give her a pat on the back when she is ready to try again.

A Conversation with a Navy Seal

 

Did you ever want to quit?

Why did you want to become a Navy Seal?

What was the most frightening experience?

Do you believe women should be allowed in Seal training?

Do you feel the United States should use drones despite the civilian casualties?

You never know what is going to happen in a Hockaday classroom or the questions students are going to ask.  Last week I had the privilege to hear former Navy Seal LCDR Rorke Denver speak to Hockaday students about his experiences during a ten-year career as an active duty Seal.  Mr. Denver was in Dallas to promote his book Damn Few, and he came to Hockaday to speak with students in the class Spycraft: the History of Espionage, a course taught by a Hockaday teacher who spent her early career as a CIA agent in counter intelligence across the Middle East following 9/11.

For an hour, seventeen Hockaday girls asked candid questions, and Mr. Denver answered them with honest, thoughtful responses.  As the conversation ended, he invited a student to read a section of his book that has yet to be made public.  It is a letter he writes to his two little girls during a deployment in case he did not return home.  The conversation and the letter made a significant impact on all of us.

Later that day, I saw Mr. Denver, and as I thanked him for taking time to visit Hockaday, he told me the experience had quite an impact on him.  As a father of two daughters, he never considered sending them to an all-girls’ school….until today.  Mr. Denver said the girls showed confidence, intellect, and guts to ask the hard questions, and these are attributes he wants his daughters to develop.  That is a significant compliment coming from one of the Navy Seal’s finest.

I think Mr. Denver’s comment would make Miss Ela Hockaday quite proud of her girls.

One Teacher’s Impact

For me, formal education did not begin smoothly. In first grade, I skipped school. The lure of the Indiana cornfield  next to my house drew me more than the obligation to catch the approaching school bus. After a few hours of playing in the muck, my Mom showed up at the house. That day I learned the importance of attendance and felt the wrath of a Principal’s disdain for 1st graders who skip school.

In High School, I was passionate about athletics, and I approached schoolwork as only a matter of obligation. During my Freshman and Sophomore years, I had not yet realized the value of  books, ideas, and scholarship. I wasn’t resistant to academics; yet, the academic work did not seem relevant. Fortunately, that was about to change.

Ms. Butler stood 5’ 2” and had the steely gaze of a drill sergeant, and it was in her English classroom that I discovered my first appreciation for literature, writing, and ideas.  Unfortunately, my skills were lacking because I had not taken school seriously.  In class, students ran intellectual laps around me; they wrote with ease and saw things in novels I could not find.  But I didn’t care.  Ms. Butler had my full attention, and I couldn’t ask enough questions. In that high school English classroom, everything changed.

After being appointed to my current position as Head of Upper School, I called Ms. Butler to thank her. She asked what I was doing with my life.  I told her I was a high school principal at an all girls’ school and, at the time, was preparing a talk to deliver at the Cum Laude induction ceremony. She laughed and said, “That would not have been on my radar for you, John.” Ah, dramatic irony – Ms. Butler taught me that term as well.

Throughout my time in college and graduate school, I often thought about Ms. Butler and many of the teachers and coaches I had during high school. Those teachers offered kind words, held high expectations, and expressed an unwavering belief in my potential despite my own doubts during adolescence. As a teacher, I value such memories.  They remind me that our students progress at a pace that is right for them, and our most significant impact may not be known for years, if at all.

There is a favorite passage of mine from Walt Whitman‘s SONG OF MYSELF that portrays an image of the role I believe teachers play in the lives of our students:

I tramp a perpetual journey,
My signs are a rain-proof coat and good shoes and a staff
Cut from the woods;
No friend of mine takes his ease in my chair,
I have no chair, nor church nor philosophy;
I lead no man to a dinner-table or library or exchange,
But each man and each woman of you I lead upon a knoll,
My left hand hooks you round the waist,
My right hand points to landscapes of continents, and
A plain public road.
Not I, not anyone else can travel that road for you,
You must travel it for yourself.

Our students are approaching that knoll, and we hook our hand around their waist and point to the landscapes ahead – telling them, “you will not travel alone, but you must travel it for yourself.”

At this time of GPA arms races and college admissions competition, it is important that we honor each student’s journey and acknowledge that future “aha” moments might occur without fanfare, ceremony, or crowd. In fact, most will happen in private moments when our students discover something about themselves, and their world grows larger because of it.  Thank you, Ms. Butler.

Leaving Our Comfort Zones

About this time of year, Hockaday hosts representatives from semester-away schools to speak to our students about their programs.  Each year, we have students take part in semester or year-abroad programs, including semesters in the Rocky Mountains, Washington, D.C., or New York City as well as time away in China or Switzerland.   There are many opportunities for students to leave the familiar grounds of campus and venture into new lands and unfamiliar experiences.

There is great value in leaving what is familiar.  Students take the lessons learned from these experiences with them forever: how to adjust to an unfamiliar place, how to make new friends, how to swallow the lump in your throat when it hits you that you miss home, and how to muster the resolve to make the best of things when faced with difficult circumstances.  Forming these habits takes practice, and when students participate in semester-way programs, they practice these habits in real situations.  When I speak with a student considering whether to go on a program or not, I assure them that they will draw from their experience for a lifetime in ways they cannot imagine today.

But what about students who are not able to enroll in a study abroad program?  Fortunately, there are opportunities for students to stretch themselves in similar ways without leaving their school and family for a semester or year; it just takes creativity, effort, and initiative on the part of the student.  Here are a few ways a student can go beyond her comfort zone without leaving home.

• Audition for a stage performance in the local community theatre or with your school, particularly if you have never performed in front of people.
• Involve yourself with a Community Service project that is different from anything you have tried and seek to educate yourself on the systemic issues surrounding the project.
• Run for a student leadership position.
• Sign up to learn something you have never tried: ballroom dancing, fly-fishing, rock climbing.
• Offer to be self-reliant at home: Do your laundry, prepare meals, and manage a budget.
• Secure a summer job on your own.
• Face a fear and overcome it; for example, if you are fearful of sleeping outside, go camping.

Regardless of whether our students stay home or go abroad, I hope all of them develop the confidence and ability to navigate any situation they meet. With practice, we can develop the skills to think on our feet and to adapt to unforeseen circumstances if we seek opportunities that stretch us.  If a student is fortunate enough to challenge herself while skiing in the Swiss Alps, all the better.

Related articles

• Why Going On ‘Semester At Sea’ Was The Best Decision Of My Life (businessinsider.com)

Find Your Greatness…

It is Monday, August 13^th, and I am suffering from Olympics withdrawal.  For fourteen days, the athletes of the games have given me inspiration and have invited me to be a part of their celebrations.  Their stories of courage (think Oscar Pistorius running on prosthetic legs), of change (think of Sarah Attar, the first female athlete from Saudi Arabia), and of sportsmanship (think of swimmers congratulating their rivals in the next lane) allowed me to be a part of something  meaningful.

NBC reported that the London Olympics were the most watched Olympic Games in history.  I can only imagine the cost for a 30 second spot for a commercial, and there were a lot of commercials.  However, for me, Nike’s Find Your Greatness spot lingers. The commercial shows Nathan: an overweight boy jogging on a two-lane road in London, Ohio, bordered by farm fields.  The boy is alone and his shuffling feet barely leave the ground.  The narrator reminds us that “greatness” is not something reserved for only the chosen few; rather, “greatness” is as unique to us as breathing; we are all capable of it.

What an important message to convey to students as we begin the year.  “Greatness” is about striving to be your best self; it is about challenging yourself with new opportunities; it is about getting back up after failure to try to again; it is about unrelenting pursuit of a passion; it is about going for a run alone.  “Greatness” reveals itself in the act of striving as much as it does in the outcome of winning.  Perhaps this thought will remind us to strive towards high ideals in spite of fear of failure or lack of self-confidence, but I also hope this message will remind us to remember another important element of the Games: encouragement and support for others.

Perhaps that’s what I can do to honor the Games and keep the spirit alive: cheer for the student (colleague, spouse, or friend,) going for his or her own version of a “lonely run” in hopes of striving for being better tomorrow than today. Maybe that’s the way to honor the games until 2016 when I can once again suspend any productive evening chores to be a part of something bigger than me.

Norms of the NetGeneration

What can we learn from Don Tapscott‘s “8 Net Generation Norms?”

While watching the Olympics, I was struck by an interview with Olympic swimmer Rebecca Soni after winning a gold medal in the 200M women’s breaststroke. During the interview, Rebecca commented that after  years of trying to change her stroke to make it longer, she credited her coach for not trying to change her natural stroke.  Instead, he built upon her natural habits and enhanced them. The result? A gold medal.

This seems to be good advice to keep in mind as we prepare for a new school year and our work with students – meet them where they are.  In Grown Up Digital, author Don Tapscott shares the results of his research involving over 11,000 young people. In the book, Don explores the influence this NetGeneration is having on the rest of us, emphasizes what we can learn from them, and stresses that it is important that we understand them. The book is well researched and offers the reader great insight into the changing landscape. One interesting outcome, there are many, of Don’s work is the list that emerged of “8 Net Generation Norms” – eight behaviors and expectations identified in his surveys that distinguish this generation from others and offer all of us a glimpse into ways this generation lives, works, and connects.

8 Net Generation Norms (From Grown Up Digital page 34 – 35)
1. “They want freedom in everything they do, from freedom of choice to freedom of expression.”
2. “They love to customize, personalize.”
3. “They are the new scrutinizers.”
4. “They look for corporate integrity and openness when deciding what to buy.”
5. “They NetGen wants entertainment and play in their work, education, and social life.”
6. “They are the collaboration and relationship generation.”
7. “The NetGen has a need for speed – not just in video games.”
8. “They are the innovators.”

What can we learn from these findings? How can we use this list to think about our work as teachers, administrators, and parents? As I read the list, the following ideas and questions come to mind?

• In the classroom, freedom of choice and expression do not have to be removed from high expectations for showing mastery of subject. And being aware of this norm might encourage us to think differently about ways we create assignments.
• What does customization and personalization look like in the classroom? Can we use on-line tools at the k-12 level to individualize instruction  and to identify specifice areas of struggle? As administrators, do we give teachers the support they need to customize their work?
• Scrutiny and integrity: Do we make information available to students, colleagues, and parents to put them in a position to be successful? Are we using all tools at our disposal to provide on-going communication and inviting a conversation with all stakeholders?
• And finally, how can we build on the tendencies and talents the Net Gen brings to the classroom to help them build from a position of strength?

What an exciting time. I look forward to ideas, suggestions, and comments from others as we travel this road together. Here’s to a good school year.

Lost and found…

I remember the day I got lost in the mountains. It was late in the afternoon, the weather was turning bad, and the surrounding landscape looked nothing like the map I was reading. Soon, the trail disappeared, and I was bushwhacking through thick brush and fallen trees looking for a place to camp for the night. I crawled into my sleeping bag tired, wet, hungry, and defeated. After a cup of coffee, things started looking up. I would find my way tomorrow.

This past week, I experienced those same feelings of being lost without leaving my house. For three days, I “bushwhacked” the technological wilderness of screen casting, voice threads, and on-line learning management systems. I set out to learn these tools so I can integrate them into my work with students, faculty, and parents. I have saved files, lost files, listened to on-line video tutorials (multiple times), and downloaded Camtasia, Jing, Snagit and everything else that seemed relevant. During the past three days, I have been frustrated, excited, confused. At one point, I was mad at myself for wasting time with nothing to show for it! I kept thinking I could be reading for class or preparing for the start of school. Yet, I continued to move through the muck and mire because I need to understand these tools; we all do as administrators and teachers. Along the way, I went to TED Talks and the Tweets and blogs of my colleagues for inspiration, ideas, and simple directions. Without them, I would have given up.
And then, it worked! By Saturday night, I published my first screen cast. Then, I embedded a TED Talk into my Haiku class page, and by Sunday, I had my course outlined in Haiku with pages for the various units and places for assignments. I went to bed with grand ideas about how I might use these tools to communicate with parents, flip my classroom, and facilitate on-line discussions with faculty. The possibilities are endless.

After three days of getting lost and finding my way, I realize that as school leaders we must commit time for teachers and administrators to explore the new tools and imagine ways to utilize them. Tools that will allow us to individualize instruction in ways we have yet to imagine, to expand the walls of our classroom, to engage our students in real-life problems, to strengthen partnerships with parents, and to connect with colleagues across the country and the globe.

Recently, I watched a TED talk titled “What’s Left to Explore,” and the topic focused on micro-organisms and the invisible world; it was fascinating. I think this question is an equally important one for educators. What is next for us to explore? What can we imagine the most engaged learning to look like? To answer these questions, we need to leave the maps behind and bushwhack our way forward, together. As confusing as finding our way can be, these are exciting times, and we are lucky to be in the midst of them.