I remember sitting in my office across from a student in tears because she received her first B’s on a report card. To be correct, she received three B+ grades and two A’s. When I asked her why she was so upset, she told me she had always earned A’s, she had high aspirations for college, and she worked hard. I acknowledged that all those things were true and that aspiration and hard work are good qualities.
I then asked her if she would be as upset if the grades were A-’s? She said, “No. They would be A’s.” I then told her that an A- and a B+ were only separated by 3% at most and that we should give ourselves at least a 10% margin of error in our daily lives before we are thrown into such despair. I added that I have days when a 20% margin of error is needed! We both laughed, and she dried her tears, grabbed her backpack, and headed to her next class.
I think about this student often. And, I think about her parents, her teachers, our school, her friends, and her society – all potential influences that might cause her to hinge success on only a 3% margin and to be devastated when she falls short of her idea for success. How does this happen?
While I can not name specific reasons why students feel high anxiety when they do not meet such high standards, I do see how this narrow margin for success impacts the way students approach school.
Defining success by such narrow margins….
- Causes students to fear taking risks and prevents them from trying new things.
- Causes students to validate their self-worth by outcome only. If not an A then I’m not smart enough; if not college admission to a certain school, then I’m not good enough; if not a date to homecoming, then I’m not pretty or popular enough.
- Paralyzes students when there is a change to routine or plans.
- Minimizes the essential traits parents define as most important: integrity, perseverance, compassion, character.
Ironically, the skills and habits our students need to be successful after college will include creativity, innovation, perseverance, risk, and a steadfast belief in themselves and their ability to figure out complex problems. Our students will work in careers that have yet to be invented, and they will need to be as comfortable with change as they are with routine.
How do we foster these ideals in our students and daughters? I don’t have the answer, but I think we begin by having a discussion about how we define success and by placing emphasis on striving and delayed gratification as well as achieving. And, when tears flow when the grade falls below her expectations, listen, encourage, sit for a minute, and give her a pat on the back when she is ready to try again.
Cornerstone 